According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
don't judge my taste in strippers
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
