Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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