"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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