upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
