mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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