i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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