walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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