I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I showed him my bush... on skype.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
