Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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