I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
