people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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