Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
