I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize