If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
