i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize