so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
are you so shy because you have an std?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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