Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
