I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
