haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I feel great
I just peed on a car
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
