my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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