There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize