just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
