i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
