I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
