Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize