I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
