At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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