also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
