Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
