i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
No subtext here. People are naked.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
