Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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