it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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