Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize