Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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