Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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