the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
