Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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