I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
