I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
