Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
