I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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