His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
