Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Randomize
