When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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