there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
