I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Randomize
