I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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