I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
