Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
