you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
