I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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