is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
someone owes me an orgasm
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
