she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
