I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize