I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
