For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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