I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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