the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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