I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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