just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
