I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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