i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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