he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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