I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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