I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
