his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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